On the mend and figuring it out.

Hello, we've all had the virus from hell this week. Mia had it too. And it's hopefully almost done with us. She was feeling pretty good as she sat up and looked lovingly at her daddy on Monday. Then she cocooned up in her blanket when she was feeling poorly. But today she felt well enough to help Mommy with the laundry! I am praying that it is toward the end of the virus. Heather and Alison, Mia and I are scheduled to leave for Arkansas Saturday to visit our grandfather. Please pray that we all are healthy to travel. Fortunately, everyone in Arkansas has had the virus from hell this past week too! So, maybe we'll all be ok.
Mia and I have been camping out in the living room this week and she's been hanging out in her swing. It's been quite a journey, dealing with us all being sick. I've learned a lot about being the mom I am. I wrote out my thoughts last night...it's longwinded but it's accurate with where I am. Thanks to my dear Heather Becerra, I've come to a new resting peace in the midst of this new motherhood. I love her and miss her terrible, but her wisdom still slaps me across my face like a 2x4, as she would say.

It’s not much. It’s my thoughts right now. About motherhood, about this whole thing we are living; trying to figure who I am again, what my marriage is going to be with a child now, how relationships are changing and how to find myself in them again. Mainly, it’s the struggle of finding myself somewhere in the midst of the diapers and the spit up and remembering who I was before this.

I’ve been home these days with my little one. She caught a virus I had had that was absolutely terrible. I’ve been cupping her sweet face and catching her vomit. So glamorous, yet I didn’t want to be anywhere else but holding her little whimpering body. I can say we’ve bonded these days and I’m coming slowly to understand that I would give anything to take away her pain. I’m coming to understanding some of those things my mom would say when I was hurting and sick as well and realizing how much a mother can love her child. I know I’ve only begun to scratch the surface…

So, in the midst of the spit up and crying, both me and her, I had a conversation that was incredibly freeing. I spoke with a friend that has brilliant words of wisdom and always sends them my way exactly when I need them. She told me tonight as we talked about this change that motherhood brings, that in all that people tell us to do and to be as a mom, as parents, the correct way, or theory or method that works; in all the advice that each of us has been given, that just as every marriage is different, that every mom/parent and child is different. I can only be the mom that I am. And in whomever that is or will be it is the best Mom for Mia. I’m not going to do it “right” all the time, but I’m going to do it the best way I know how, and that is good enough. I think in all the ways we have talked about the books and methods and who did what when and if that was correct, I think I have felt like I was just getting by, barely making it as a new mom. Comparing myself to what everyone else was doing or not doing. And being way too hard on myself, worried that I would be making a mistake along the way; hoping that if I did make a mistake, I could undo it without too much trauma to Mia or myself. I know this is a simple concept, one that is a no brainer, but it is an amazing insight to me. And it is making me breathe a little easier tonight.

I’ve been having a hard time figuring out where Toby and I are in this strange new life. Where he is, where I am and where we are supposed to be. But I’ve been too wrapped in trying to be where we are “supposed” to be without knowing where that is exactly. We are doing a good job working as a team, and learning new ways to communicate our needs, or sometimes even identifying what those needs are. But I have still felt lost. My friend reminded me of something I said to her, “Watching movies is not a hobby. So, that means I don’t have a hobby…” I’m finding out who I am again. And that’s pretty cool. I get to find a hobby, something I like to do. Toby has several hobbies: golf, hunting, fishing, playing poker, softball. He has fun. He gets to go do those things. I have squat. It seems backwards to think that this time in my life, when I am introducing myself as a mom, that I am introducing myself to me all over again. I get to figure out what I like to do and it’s really important that I have something I like to do. I know motherhood has changed me forever, but I am still somewhere in here. The woman who loves the beauty of life, who takes every opportunity to live in a moment, to soak in someone’s presence, to watch the sunset as the world speeds by on I-4. The girl who loves to laugh and sing when she is happy is still inside of me. And all of who I am and have been is what is going to make me a great mom. It makes me a great mom now. It’s not that I am doing it all right, or following all the rules or advice. God created me to be Mia’s mom. I was the one He wanted to give her to. There are things that only I will be able to teach her, show her, love her through. No one else can do that for her. She belongs to me. She has my DNA, my markings all over her life. No one can erase that. I don’t have to be concerned with what is the correct way, or what worked for someone has to work for me. I’m the mom. I get to decide what is best. And it will look different than anyone else. And it’s supposed to.

Somehow in these days quarantined in my house I have grown more confident in being her Mom and making those decisions about what is best for her. What would be the most comfortable way to hold her, burp her, let her throw up…when to feed her, how much, how long…and watching her every breath waiting with a towel to catch the debris. I feel like I have shed the crap of “supposed to”, or what is expected of me, by whom I don’t know, perhaps myself. I’m letting myself off the hook. I’m letting myself just be the Mom that I am as I grow in that every day. Motherhood: It’s different. It’s weird. It’s surreal, but it’s great. And I feel like I’m taking my first breath of fresh air since Mia arrived. Too many dang expectations! Good grief!